Losing all hope is freedom

"Losing all hope is freedom." ...This quote is from a fellow named Timo Noko in Finland. Here's his website:

http://koti.welho.com/tnoko/

This fellow has a dry wit and a strange perspective. He travels by kayak in places all over the world, alone, and spearfishes, cooks on open flames, and generally thumbs his nose at all convention.
He has several videos. It's worth watching one or two just to get a sense of someone this unusual.

I often think that simple kayak/canoe travel, and simple fishing, simple living, selling simple art, alone, and seeing the world... is the ideal scenario for myself. I did a lot of that sort of thing on the weekends back in Orlando, (canoe camping, that is...) traveling with eagerness to the east coast of Florida whenever I could, and camping, swimming, watching the stars at night, ...seeing...

And, these days, it seems as if I AM losing all hope, just like this Finnish fellow. All hope for a normal life. ....In recent months I've been told (by friends) that I'm a poor and even dangerous sailor, and that if I were lucky enough to get married and have kids, that I'd be a poor father; and I've had my artwork rejected; I've been rejected by business friends as well, basically; and, of course, a few women over the years have bluntly rejected me in startling fashion.

Losing all hope is freedom. That's an idea which seems delicious as I try to avoid eating in order to save money. Losing all hope is perhaps my best hope at this point. My youth is finished, and my careers are disasters. I just had another mural job get postponed, and spent my last dollar again.

Perhaps I've lost all hope already, all hope, that is, for the normal. Or perhaps all hope, flatly, is the best description. Just accept it and give up and go. Fascinating.

Living Hand to Mouth...What does that mean?

I found this answer on the 'Net:

' Hand to mouth is a phrase which is used to denote living with the help of bare essentials

. Living from hand to mouth means having absolutely meagre resources. What the phrase actually means is that, as soon as the resources are coming in, they are getting spent on basic necessities. To live from hand to mouth is to have a precarious existence. It literally means to intake or eat whatever one can lay their hands on. For example, "he was living hand to mouth after he was fired from his workplace". '

Anyway...

That's what the last few days have been like. Counting my change, looking for coins on the boat, running through the dwindling inventory of rice and noodles, and instantly taking and eating any food a friend or stranger gives me. (No, I'm not begging.) However, I do actually say things like, "If you have any FOOD you don't want...." Or, "You're SURE you must cancel that commission? Yesterday you said--"... whatever...

I guess it's an interesting experience that I'll always remember, especially later when I'm rich and famous. lol

Trying to have some fun today

Why so serious?

I don't know. Just broke, I guess. And hungry, a bit. Not too bad. Hard to get good food.

Graphite on regular ol' printing paper, 8 X 11 or whatever. ... Almost got him:

Sketches of the Day

Ball point pen stuff.

Sitting in the doc's office, waiting for a friend (to drive him home), and reading William Silvers' (of Disney fame) new book on acrylic painting... I got out the blue pen and doodled:

Reading V for Vendetta, and thought I'd practice on a few of the characters:


Not so good....My portrait sketching often looks like caricaturing, with too-big eyes, etc...:

Overall, blue ballpoint pen sketching is convenient and a good exercise. You can't erase.

Poem of the day

How Death Got His Start

I found
this lullaby in my head this morning
in those moments flashing
between sleeping stupor and awake:
Roses are red, blood is like red, red is red, my roommate is dead.

The police don't like me, I can tell, I told
their questions.
The sweetly cold wall on my face for a moment or two, my mouth
upon it;
it was new latex;
it tasted of ammonia, and at that moment
it occurred to me
that my mouth can be upon someone without kissing.

And I remember the horrible pain of the handcuffs, but later they sent me home.

But later that year when my cousin was dead, they left me in the cell.
And when my cellmate died They put me in a room alone.
But, my Goodness, I escaped. A huge riot! Many of us got out, many died, many had red blood.

Running in the woods I found a stream but could not drink.
Running in the woods I found an elk and killed it but could not weep.
No, that is ridiculous.
No, yes, it is dead.
And a poor woodpecker with red head, dead.

I desired screaming, I desired kisses, I desired.

I found a large highway and walked straight out into it,
and the wreckage began.
...There were people in the upside-down car, moaning.
I crawled in and put my kiss on each.

New Mural Website

Yeah, so I'm trying to get my mural career going again, so I started this:

www.TimGardnerMurals.Blogspot.com

Right now, I don't have much of a portfolio of murals, so I'm trying to create many murals ASAP. I may be painting a really huge cuban SANDWICH on the side of restaurant tomorrow. We'll see. Funny. ...I figure I can try to make it the most realistic and cool-looking cuban around.

Continuing to not paint portraits

I may never do another portrait, I've decided. I'm not sure I enjoy the subject matter. Perhaps I'm feeling constrained. I'd like to paint everything... I like the idea of murals. The scale. The variety. I especially like large outdoor murals. Something about me, psychologically, finds that huge scale appealing.
Here's a photo of Eric Henn. An excellent artist who became a muralist specializing in large-scale outdoor works. This is the size I want to work with:


What does this say about me?

Gallery Update

Yea! I've finally updated my gallery. Go to

http://www.TimothyBrentGardner.BlogSpot.com

...or not...your choice...But, really, I mean, why not? Go ahead and see my gallery...or not... Or you can, yes, you CAN go there and see my gallery of art, oh yes...yes...YES! ...or not... YOUR choice... Nobody's twisting your arm here, you know... No pressure... OK? OK... All is well...

Our One Possession

From V for Vendetta, by Alan Moore:

"But it was my integrity that was important. Is that so selfish? It sells for so little, but it's all we have left in this place.
"It is the very last inch of us.
"But within that inch we are free." ...

"It is strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and I apologized to nobody.
"I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish...
"Except one.
"An inch.
"It's small and it's fragile and it's the only thing in the world that's worth having.
"We must never lose it or sell it, or give it away.
"We must never let them take it from us.
"I don't know who you are, or whether you're a man or a woman. I may never see you. I will never hug you or cry with you or get drunk with you.
"But I love you.
"I hope that you escape this place.
"I hope that the world turns and that things get better, and that one day people have roses again." ...

"I know every inch of this cell.
"This cell knows every inch of me.
"Except one."

...

EXECUTION :

Guard: "It's time. ...Unless you want to change your mind. ...Sign that statement. You could be out inside three years. Perhaps they'd find you a job..." ...

Prisoner: "Thank you. ...But I'd rather die behind the chemical sheds."

Guard: "Then there's nothing left to threaten with, is there? ...You are free."