Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Dark Emotions

I'm not sure of the meaning of this, but over the last week or so, I've been experiencing a kind of despair. I'm in the middle of moving...somewhere....because...in Orlando, over the last few months, I have neither made much money nor worked on serious art, so I decided to leave (as I've noted in previous posts). Generally, I'm headed to Key West. I have my van and my sailboat, but I may sell the van and then later buy a car in the Keys, or maybe I'll buy a big sailboat, a real liveaboard... and get a wife and raise some kids... yeah, right.

But I have another opportunity, if I wish. I've discovered an atelier in Miami. I could live on my boat, sell some art by the side of the road, and study traditional, serious art at the atelier over the next few years. ...Or something like that...

I have competing desires and possibilities, and this leaves me with despair. And I'm having nightmares again, and regrets.

Nightmares and the associated "waking visual and auditory hallucinations" are a big part of my life which have almost completely wrecked me at times, but I never mention them. It's a deep horror for me, and I simply don't tell anyone... so maybe it's time I did, here, briefly. In a real way, this aspect of my soul has destroyed any kind of normal life. From a young boy onwards, I've been terrorized by all this. As the years have passed, I have, indeed, calmed somewhat. But stressful times renew the demons. And dreadful nights, followed by haunted days, ensue.

So I go to the sea, where I seem to sleep well. I don't know why.

I go to the sea... this week.



Esly Carrero said...

when's your phone going to be on again? I mean.. when are you taking phone-calls again?

Sylvie Carter said...

I say follow the sea vision you have......being in the right place in life is more important that we realise I think. I just heard on the radio this morning there is this thing being developed called 'dignity therapy'.....sounds wacky....but some US uni has come up with a kind of therapeutic interview that focusses thoughts and supposedly helps people find meaning and purpose in their life. The vision you have for that atelier and study, plus selling a bit more art when you drop anchor could be heaven for you. There is a calming effect from all that fresh air and ebb and flow of water. Lately when I'm having dark thoughts I sort of freeze up and I want to go to the canvass and capture it, so that is not wasted energy.... I'm thinking maybe if I can't do that maybe I'm not much of an artist. We need the dark to find the light somehow. Sylvie