Last Post?

Yes, this may be my last post, at least for a while. You see, all my plans are crumbling before me, in a sense. I mean, I know I have a reputation for being grumpy, and I don't want to sound that way, but, man, SO MANY things are going wrong, simply listing them makes me sound awful. (I even deleted some recent posts because I thought I was sounding too surly.) But, I should be clear and honest for those who care to read this.

I guess I'm frustrated. Very, very frustrated. And, I guess, honestly, it's all my fault. At least, I take responsibility for it.

Here's my list:

My shoulder is completely freezing-up again when painting at an upright easel. ...

I'm broke. (Largely due to shoulder problem of the last year or so.) ...

My sailboat needs work before it can be moved. MONEY needed. ...

I was told last week that I cannot live on the boat where it's currently located. Wow! I'm moving onto it in 4 days from now, one way or another! Maybe I can get away with staying on it for a few days, anyway. ...

The IRS just told me that I don't get the $600 stimulus check. This, after they sent me a letter a while back saying I WOULD get the check, and by June 13. This is a BIG BIG blow to me. ...

I'm seriously fighting depression. (I have a history of depression.) ...

My camera died. I was planning to use it as I went to clients' homes to take photographs for their pastel portraits. This had been my final plan. Do it just like the big boys, and take photos and make sketches and notes, right there in the home of the client, and then go back to my "studio" (the sailboat) and paint the portrait. I would charge $125 for a single, and $200 for a double, but with quality comparable to the big boys. And I simply don't have money for a new camera. But that's okay, since I don't have anyplace to live, or, thus, a "studio," now that I can't live on the sailboat. ...

Cannot print business cards or promotional material for new portrait business, since, again, I'm freakin' broke! (I know, I know, I'm terrible. I whine on and on.. ) ...

I thought I had much of next week to do my moving. A day or two ago I found out that I must be out Monday night. ...

Need wireless card for PC to use it on the boat. Of course, I can't live on the boat now, so I guess it's another moot point. ...

I haven't had a vacation in 4 years. That's right: FOUR YEARS, week in, week out, caricaturing tourists at Walt Disney World. I cannot express how freaked-out I get by the sound of loud children and shouting parents and crying artists. (That last one would be ME.) ... It's funny. You'd think I'd have some money. ...

My "back-up" plan had been to work at Busch Gardens. I figured I could take the bus up there from my boat. But the bus route is impossible from Apollo Beach to Busch Gardens. And my old old Jeep is having problems. Can't afford the outrageous gas prices anymore, anyway. Of course, my shoulder problem puts a dent in any future caricaturing, if I must be FAST to make much money. ...

Someone just commented the other day that it sounded like I was trying to piss-off my caricaturing friends in Orlando, and "burn bridges." Is that possibly true? Do I have an automatic "self-defense" mechanism which "breaks" things for me? Or something? I don't understand ANY of that, if it's true. I tend to speak my mind more lately, I've noticed, but it in no way is intended piss-off anyone, or hurt anyone. And sometimes my sense of humor is misinterpreted. I don't know. That's really discouraging. ...

And I guess I should add this note: I've been making myself SICK with my art materials in my little bedroom/studio, living/breathing/sleeping with linseed oil/turpentine/pastels/whatever almost 24/7. I've figured this out (I actually didn't realize it for a LONG time!) and especially with the pastels, which I will now ONLY use outdoors, and will use a my big industrial dust mask when crushing and mixing the pastel powder... Just another thing I've been struggling with. But, then again, the ART I've been doing the last couple of months is VERY encouraging. It's the one thing keeping me going. I believe now, with certainty, that I am an artist, after a lifetime of other stuff, other struggles. But art IS a struggle. Really, I had no idea. And I've been teaching myself from books and DVDs this whole time. Difficult to the extreme. That's why I hate it when people say, "Oh, it's just a natural gift." WTF?!! ...

And one more thing. (I know, I know, nobody's reading this to this point, but, just in case...) I'm spending all my time thinking about how everything is going wrong. I cannot seem to comprehend it. I like to "wrap my mind around" things, but this is all overwhelming. I don't know where to start to get things done. "Wrapping my mind around" things has always been important for me. I'm uncomfortable being rushed. I ENJOY the act of thinking. I ENJOY sitting and drawing someone and THINKING about their face, and this slows EVERYTHING I do. Most people think I'm an idiot. I actually have an I.Q. over 140. ...But this need to "wrap my mind around" things utterly... this caused untold misery for me when I was a kid in school, and has also caused misery when in a romantic relationship or friendship even, and even now. I mean, I saw I number of my acquaintances this morning, but are any of them my friends? ...Friendship... What is that definition? A SOLID, meat-and-potatoes definition... I mean, a girl gave me a hug this morning. What IS that? Actually, I got TWO hugs, because I got one from a female stranger, too, after she saw the picture I drew of her. It is all, again, unfathomable. ...
* * *
... But, you know, this is good, writing in this blog. I get to "organize" these items a bit. ...
And if you are still reading this, I should tell you that I'll make it. It's a rough patch. But I have some ideas.
Like...

I'm building a dinghy sailboat. There's a thing called "dinghy cruising." It's popular in the UK, I think. I'll "live" on my dinghy, temporarily. I had thought about a canoe, but a dinghy will hold more. (Or maybe I'll go with a canoe... I'm hilarious.) ...
So I'll build my dinghy, and take a couple of weeks "off" from all this frustration, sail around Tampa Bay and Clearwater and whatnot, and then come back and tackle my life.
And if I must, I'll sell my Jeep. And if I must, I'll sell my big sailboat. At that point it would just be me and the sailing dinghy and maybe a kind of low-brow freedom, from which I'll plan the rest of my life, and make money in little chunks, and start doing portraits somehow, or even caricatures, or give-away paintings along the sidewalk, for donations, whatever, and then get a bigger boat. Occasionally FREE boats appear in places. But not too big, without a big income.

Yet, with all things said and done, I need a couple of weeks to "wrap my mind around" all this crap, and get away from the tourists and models who won't sit still, and, well, everything.

So you may not hear from me for a while... But I'll be around. Heck, maybe I'll be happy. We'll see.

{POSTSCRIPT: If anyone wants to contact me, just call me! My phone may be off, but you can leave a message, and I'll get back to you in a day or two, if I can. My number is that same 321- number I've had for a year now, for those who know... I'm not sure about email. I can hit-up Internet Cafes, or the library access points, but that's hit and miss. And I'm trying to switch over to a new account: TimothyBrentGardner@gmail.com ... Use that one.}