Thursday, June 04, 2009
This video hits home with me, including the lyrics. The scene is of wild dolphins and whales playing, and the lyrics are of sailing and being alone.
...Somehow...somehow...it makes me think of how I probably was never destined to have a normal job or a normal life, or to be "good" at anything normal. Try as I may, I'm not that normal person, and I fail at almost everything. I'm strange, difficult, goofy, selfish, artistic, heartful... And all I want is a certain freedom and "elbow room." You know, room to operate my soul in this world. I'm always feeling cramped, in a sense. My brain feels squished, or imprisoned, without this elbow room, the SPACE to move about and search and lazily THINK. I don't know... Self-absorption is part of it, but it's more like my mind is absorbed with the reality of myself, this entity, looking out at the universe through the windows of my eyes. I am part of this universe, and I, as this entity, am the closest and most intimate element in my universe, so why not being self-obsessed? I've done so many things... I studied to be a preacher, but I lost my faith in the process. I hitch-hiked across the country, but found a boring job and a boring life in Sacramento. I skipped-about California and Colorado, working at ski resorts and being a ski bum, and working as a waiter in San Francisco and Los Angeles, but I found my way back home to Texas, only to have my mother die and thus be thrown into a wild ride of self-pity and drunkenness for years. I learned to upholster furniture, half-heartedly, from my dad, but chose to learn to drive trucks afterward, and crisscrossed the country for years. I taught myself to draw and to paint, and got a job doing that, doing caricatures at Walt Disney World in Florida, but that's a failure too, in the sense that I am NOT an entertainer/caricaturist type and I am NOT a salesman; sure, I pretend to be, and make the effort, but certainly it's not my strength. My strength seems to be ill-defined. Something unorthodox, some sort of craving or desire to move forward, to search, to see utterly new things, a kind of terrific curiosity. That's my strength, but I don't know what it means.